IN-TRO-DUCIIIIING, etc, etc

[The middle of an interview with the Mayor of San Diego on the steps of the Municipal Building 3 blocks north of Horton Plaza,]

“…and one final question, Mr. Mayor, are the allegations true that your administration…” The question is interrupted by the sound of LOTS of glass shattering and much thick rock being broken. Everyone looks startled at the smoke and debris in the air around the front of the First Maximum Capital Savings and Loan 2 blocks away, when more sounds of destruction follow panicked people out of the hole in the front of the building.

“Larry! Let’s go!” Mark Druckmann, Action News reporter for Central Cable Broadcasting Network, shouts to his cameraman as he dashes down the street on foot to get the scoop. As he approaches the scene, two security guards fly out into the street through the clearing smoke where they crash into the onlookers already gathering to see what is going on.

“Larry?! We live?”

Larry finishes adjusting his camera and says, “You bet boss!”

“This is Mark Druckmann, Action News reporter for Central Cable Broadcasting Network in front of what was until recently a bank here in San Diego’s downtown area. We can’t tell what is going on inside because of the smoke and debris floating in the air, but let’s see if anyone here can tell us anything. Sir?! Ma’am?! How about you? Yes sir! Can you tell us anything about what is happening inside?”

A disheveled man comes on camera casting glances over his shoulder at the front of the building, “Yeah, yeah! This big guy with this huge hammer just crashed in and started yelling for the safe. Then he started smashing stuff and throwing stuff out of the building. I think he’s trying to get to the safe!”

“What did this guy look like?”

“Great big guy! About 7 foot or so. He’s wearing this costume and has these big sledge hammers he’s busting everything with.”

“Do you think he is gonna try to open a safe with sledge hammers?!?!?!?!” Mark asks, incredulously.

“I don’t know, sure looked like it to me!”

“Well there you have it ladies and gentlemen, new heights in stupidity! If high tech explosives and equipment can’t get into a modern vault, try a hammer! And here on the scene the police have just arrived, let’s take a look and see how they do against this guy with real weapons shall we? What’s your name?”

“Dave.”

“Right, let’s watch shall we Dave? The police have arrived in force, I’d say there are about a dozen officers here in front of the building and I saw some cars go around back, so there are probably 20 officers or so. That ought to handle it. The plain clothes man in front here is directing crowd control, so it looks like they are about to go in after him. Anything to add Dave?”

“No, that’s about it.”

“Alrighty! Dave is a good sport, I’ll give him that! Anyway, the smoke is staying pretty thick and the sound of destruction continues inside the bank. The police are entering the building and things are underway, here in downtown San Diego!

“Dave, it will probably be a couple minutes before we know anything, how many officers did you see go into the bank?”

“Looked like about six, uhhh,…”

“Mark! Call me Mark!”

“Right, Mark!”

“The ambulances have finished loading up the injured now and we still don’t know what is happening inside, all we can do is wait….”

The sounds of destruction momentarily cease in response to several shouted orders inside the bank, then there are shouts of alarm and several shots ring out.

“Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh boy! Pandemonium seems to have just started in there and LOOK OUT!!! Here come bodies!” Mark and Dave side-step as three airborne police officers are seen emerging from the building. “Looks like the big guy is not interested in coming along quietly! I imagine by the sound of it that he was not hurt too badly by any of those shots. I’ll bet we see the remaining officers coming out pretty quickly now!”

“Here they come Mark! They are retreating covering each other as they exit the bank now. I’d say that hammer guy is probably more than any of us gave him credit for earlier!”

Mark momentarily glances at Dave with a peeved scowl and picks up the report, “well sometimes the situation isn’t that easy to unravel on short notice.”

Dave slips off camera briefly to recover from his sudden “not a good thing to say, huh?” expression.

“Mark, it looks like things are about to get worse! Look over there!” The camera pans quickly left, focusing on an approaching crowd of dozens of cheering people following a very large fellow wearing boots, a pair of khaki parachute pants and a huge belt, no shirt.

“I wonder who that is, Dave?”

“I don’t know, Mark. It almost looks like that wrestler guy, Kirby!”

“You know, I think you’re right! It is! LADIES and GENTLEMEN! THE NA-ture Boy, BUDDYYYYYYY KIRRRRRRRRBYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!! I wonder if he is gonna give us a show this time. Last month you know he tackled that Whale guy, but we couldn’t get a crew out there fast enough to cover it! This is great stuff, huh Dave!”

“You bet Mark, the citizens of San Diego are in for a real treat today if Nature Boy is really all they say he is.”

“We’ll find out soon enough! Right now, the Nature Boy is still outside the bank, playing to the crowds! He’s got them cheering and yelling everywhere, but he doesn’t seem to be going after the bad guy yet!”

“I think he is trying to get the crowd pulling for him, Mark. You know, all professional athletes appreciate a crowd that really gets into whatever the competition is!”

“Folks, the destruction inside the bank seems to have slowed down! The amount of smoke and debris floating out into the street has dropped off quite a bit, and, yes, there he is! The big guy is coming out of the bank! Boy you weren’t kidding, Dave, this guy is huge!”

“Yes, Mark, I’d say he is somewhere in the neighborhood of seven feet and I’m guessing he’s over 300 pounds.”

“Oh at least! Look at him, he’s bigger than Kirby is!”

The camera zooms past Mark and Dave to see, emerging from the bank, a loudly costumed giant of a man carrying a large sledge hammer in each hand. Buddy turns slowly, looking around at the crowd pointing down with both thumbs, and the crowd immediately starts booing and jeering. After a few moments, Buddy waves the crowd silent and turns toward his foe speaking loudly for the benefit of anyone listening, “Welcome to San Diego! This is my town!” The crowd eruptes, cheering, but he waves them silent again. “You are trashin’ up my streets and hurtin’ my people! You are goin’ down!!!!!!!!!” Cheering immediately erupts again and Buddy slowly turns 360 degrees, egging them on in encouragement.

The foe in front of the bank yells, even over the crowd, “Wrong! I am the Rock Crusher!!! I will crush your puny butt and then I will finish crushing this bank! I am robbing this place cause I NEED THE MONEY, rich boy!” Booing ensues, punctuated by signs and gestures from Rock Crusher.

Waving the crowd silent again, Buddy challenges him, “Is that so? Are you really man enough?” Cheering begins everywhere at once, steadily getting louder. “Are you man enough for the job? Do you really want a piece of me? Cause I am REAAAAADYYYYYYY TOOOOOO RUMMMMMMBLLLLLLLE!!!!!!!!!”

Rock Crusher, now unable to make himself heard over the frenzied crowd, picks up his hammers and strides into the street, intent on silencing the crowd by “crushing” Buddy.

Mark recovers his composure first, “Alrighty folks, the mutual admiration is over, and we are all set here in San Diego as Nature Boy Buddy Kirby prepares to do battle with the Rock Crusher!”

Dave joins in, “This is a real opportunity for everyone, Mark! The Nature Boy is a showman by profession although he has done well enough in his two previous public outings, but this Rock Crusher is an unknown quantity! I hope Kirby is up to it!”

“OK! Nature Boy and Rock Crusher underway and THAT might have been a short fight if Crusher had landed that one! Look at the crater that blow left in the street!”

“Nature Boy was out of the way in plenty of time, Mark! Trying to hit him is like trying to hit the wind! See there! He just sidestepped two more vicious hammer swings, and,…”

“Whoa LORDY! Crusher just landed a double hammer shot and Kirby is sent flying into a police car! He is shaking it off, but it doesn’t look like the Crusher is gonna let him! Lookout! This might be lights out for Buddy!”

locked in battle

Dave almost interrupts, calling out excitedly, “The IMMOVABLE OBJECT! Buddy grabbed both hammers in mid-swing! Crusher is backing away! No wait! He drop-kicks Buddy while his hands are full! Buddy bounces off the police car out into the middle of the battle-field, and CRUSHER IS WAITING FOR HIM!!! Here comes the clothes line!”

Mark cuts in, “REVERSE! Buddy throws Crusher into the side of the ambulance! He catches him coming off the ambulance! THE JUNGLE TANGLE! NA-ture is on the warpath and Crusher is in real trouble now as Nature Boy applies the pressure!”

“That’s gotta hurt Mark! Crusher is gonna have to come up with something quick AND HE DOES! It looked like Crusher maybe gouged his eyes or something, I don’t know!”

“Hard to tell, Dave, but both men are trying to get their bearings, Buddy is protecting his eyes but Crusher is GOING FOR THE HAMMERS! This could be all for Buddy Kirby! OOOH! Double hammer smash and Buddy goes to the pavement! Another double hammer smash! Boy the crowd is upset about this! Buddy is a local favorite and Crusher is really hearing about it! WHOA! Someone just hit Crusher in the head with,… what was that?”

“It looked to me like a giant Slurpee cup, Mark! I’d say that was at least a 32 ouncer! Crusher is REALLY mad about it too! He is furious, and he is demanding to know who threw it and I don’t think anyone wants to tell him!”

“You’re sure right about that Dave. This crowd really gets behind Kirby here, and they’re giving Crusher what for right now! CRUSHER grabs Kirby who is trying to get up! He’s leading Kirby out into the ring and WHIPS him into the light pole! Kirby is staggered! CRUSHER lunges after him and NATURE BOY GRABS CRUSHERS FACE! One handed grab to the face of the Rock Crusher and he is stopped dead in his tracks! I’m not sure if Nature Boy can keep this up, though!”

“AND CRUSHER turns it into an ARM BAR! Kirby is still reeling from that light pole and Crusher is taking it to him! OH NO! HE SMASHES Kirby into the light pole again! And AGAIN! And AGAIN! KIRBY is DAZED! Crusher is FIRMLY in control of the action now! What’s this? He’s leading Kirby into the middle of the ring and picking up a hammer! Oh boy! Crusher WHIPS Kirby into the ambulance! Kirby rebounds off the ambulance and gets CRUSHED in the chest by the big hammer of the ROCK CRUSHER!”

“Kirby went down like a tree, Dave! That could be it for the Nature Boy! Crusher stomps Kirby in the face! Again! Again! This is unbelievable! Somebody’s gotta help him! Again! And NATURE BOY GRABS CRUSHER’S LEG! CRUSHER IS STUCK! Nature Boy has a hold of his leg and there is NOTHING Crusher can do! What an unbelievable turn around, Dave!”

“You bet, Mark! But it looks like Crusher is gonna HIT HIM WITH THE HAMMER! Kirby obviously losses his grip on Crusher’s leg, and Crusher tumbles to the ground, but I don’t believe he is hurt! I think he just lost his balance.”

“I believe you’re right, Dave! Crusher is getting up and SO IS KIRBY! What an amazing testimony to the strength and courage of this great athlete! Crusher again with the hammer, right down on Kirby’s shoulder! Kirby is STILL GETTING UP! Crusher uses the hammer again on the SAME SHOULDER! OOOH! That hurts! But KIRBY IS STILL GETTING UP! He is up to his KNEES! CRUSHER CAN’T BELIEVE IT! HE IS LOOKING FOR HIS OTHER HAMMER! I THINK HE’S FOUND IT!”

“Mark, I know I said hitting Kirby was like trying to hit the wind, but the wind may be gone now! There is nothing left inside Kirby but sheer courage! Kirby is getting to his feet and HERE COMES CRUSHER! BOTH HAMMERS are GOING! HERE COMES THE DOUBLE HAMMER SMASH! And the WIND is BLOWING AGAIN! KIRBY sidestepped that as if Crusher wasn’t even moving! Crusher is off balance and Kirby GETS HIM IN THE JUNGLE TANGLE! Kirby has him in the Jungle Tangle and NOW HE APPLIES THE BOA BODY BREAKER!”

“That is a very punishing move, Dave. I saw this once in a match in Las Vegas when he used this move for the first time and once he gets that put on you, you are done! Crusher is struggling but you can tell this is REALLY taking its toll!”

“Crusher has lost his grip and dropped both his hammers, Mark! That’s a sure sign that he is feeling the pressure!”

On camera, Nature Boy is cupping his free hand behind his ear and cocking his head as if to listen to the crowd’s demands, and they respond energetically. He switches arms and then cups his other hand, now free, behind his ear and cocks his head the other way, encouraging the crowd on the other side to overmatch the cheers of the first group.

“And the Nature Boy has now put the finishing touch on his signature Boa Body Breaker, He has both Crusher’s arms trapped behind him with one hand and he is ASKING THE CROWD, ‘WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO WITH THE TRASH!’ The citizens of this city LOVE the Nature Boy and they are ROARING their approval!”

“It looks like they want to see the Pile Driver, and Buddy is ready to oblige! Buddy reverses Crusher, sets him up, LIFTS HIM HIGH into the air, and THAT’S GOTTA HURT!!!! Crusher bounces about six feet into the air after Buddy drove him head-first, STRAIGHT down into the pavement! There is a pothole in the street, and Crusher is crumpled on the pavement and that may be all she wrote, the police are backing up the paddy wagon!”

“That’s right, Dave! The wagon is in position, and the police are holding the doors open for Buddy to finish the job!”

“And THAT means it’s TIME to CLEAN UP THE ENVIRONMENT in SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA! Nature Boy sets up the Crusher for the IRRESISTIBLE FORCE, WHIPS HIM INTO LIGHT POLE, he rebounds into the IMMOVABLE OBJECT! Crusher came off that light pole with a HUGE head of steam and ran smack into the out-stretched arm of the NA-ture Boy, Buddy Kirby! Crusher, getting to his feet, still groggy, Buddy moves into position and does a FLYING DROP KICK! Crusher is knocked for a LINE-DRIVE, 30 feet through the air, STRAIGHT into the waiting paddy wagon! And THAT is all from downtown! The Nature Boy Buddy Kirby defeats the Rock Crusher at the First Maximum Capital Savings and Loan, or what’s left of it, in a bout that lasted 4 minutes and 20 seconds! Let’s see if we can get an interview with the winner!”

Buddy Kirby, somehow looking fresh as a daisy, approaches the camera smiling, “How ya doin’ America?”

Marks extends a hand shake to Buddy Kirby saying, “Buddy, for a minute there it looked like you were in real trouble!”

“Yeah, Mark, I tell ya, when Crusher set me up with the light pole and got me in trouble on the ground, it was kind of a bad moment there.”

“You know, when he went for the hammer I thought it was all over. Tell us about that, how did you mange to come through?”

“Well, Mark, I tell ya, I knew the people of San Diego,…” he says, turning slowly to the onlookers behind him and speaking louder, “were counting on me!” The cheering crowd responds to his encouraging uplifting gesture, pouring out their approval. “I knew the city of San Diego was counting on me! (pause) I knew I could NOT let you down!” The crowd is approaching fever pitch at this point, and Kirby turns back to the camera, pointing and looking directly at the lens, “Count on me, San Diego! Count on me, America!”

As Kirby turns to leave, waiving to the cheering crowd, Mark closes the interview out, “There he goes! A great athlete and a great American! What a great guy! And that’s it for now, I’m Mark Druckmann for Central Cable Broadcasting Network!”

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